Things you shouldn't say

I read a fantastic blog that my sister introduced me to. The woman who writes it actually referred us to our adoption consultant, who led us to Little Miss' birth mom. It's a great blog to read! Check it out at www.storinguptreasures.com Courtney wrote a post today called "Things you Should Never Say," and I'm stealing her idea and a number of her comments. She wrote a number of things that really struck a cord with me, and I'd like to share with you my own list. Some of them I am borrowing from Courtney, and others are my own.

• Never ask an adoptive family if those are their real kids, or which ones are their real kids. They are all our real kids, no matter how they entered our families.


• Never ask an adoptive family if the children are "real" brother and sisters. Siblings are siblings, no matter how they became that way.


• On the same note, never say they "really could be real siblings." - They are real siblings! No, your intentions don't matter, especially to young ears listening who hear things like that all the time. It plants in the back of their minds thoughts that are not true.


• Never ask a homeschooling parent about socialization. It's Laughable.


• Never ask if the black child (or children) in a family is from Africa. Not all black children who were adopted are from Africa.


• Never offer disciplinary advice to a mom with a child who is out of control. You don't know if that child has Autism, ADHD, RAD and that mom may very well be doing the best she can.


• Never give a dirty look or sigh to a mom appropriately disciplining her child, even if that child does have a disability. Having a disability does not mean a child doesn't need to learn.


• If a child is having a melt down in a public place, don't stare. Move on. Again, you have no idea what that child may be mentally dealing with.


• Never ask a homeschooling mom how she manages to teach all of her children. Paid teachers have 25-40 students to teach, and they are not even their kids.


• Never ask an adoptive family which child(ren) was adopted. No adopted child wants to be pointed out.


• Never ask an adoptive parent how much their child "cost."


• Never make an Angelina Jolie reference to an adoptive family. Most of us don't have nannies, personal trainers and housekeepers, or look like her.


• If a child you don't know very well comes up to hug you, redirect them to their parents. The child may have RAD.


• Never ask an adoptive parent about their child's birth parents, especially in front of the child. Things like Why didn't they want him or Why was she given up? are hurtful to the child, and private information.


• Never ask a family who has chosen to adopt first when they are going to have "their own." They ARE our own!


• Never ask a family what their fertility treatments were. They don't ask you what position you used to conceive your child.


• Never say how "lucky" the kids are to have been adopted by you. It degrades their birth parents. You have no idea what kind of people they are.


• Never say "You sure have your hands full!" Hearing it gets REALLY old, and we don't see it that way!


• Never ask an adoptive mother, "What about his real mom?" or "Where is her mom?" or "How old is his mom?" I am his mom! I am her mom! ME! The one who takes them to every appointment, fights to get them medical supplies, advocates for them, holds them until they sleep, changes every diaper, teaches them, hugs and kisses them. I am their mama!


• When a child passes away, never say, "I know it's sad, but I bet it's a relief." It's NOT! No matter how much extra care that child required - It's NOT a relief!


• Never assume that because a family is adopting first they are infertile. If someone is infertile, never say to them they will get pregnant now that they have adopted because "it happens all the time." NOT TRUE. Adoption is not a fertility treatment.

And finally:

• Never read information like this and then continue to do the things you were told not to do. Learn to change your words that can be hurtful to others.

Well, that's my big way of breaking back into hopefully blogging more regularly again. (Hopefully) Thanks for reading and not judging, especially if you have never been in the same place. Thanks to Courtney for bringing up the topic!